Writing, Talking with God about my Mother in Laws death

 This is something that I just sat down and wrote shortly after my mother in law died.  I felt like God wanted me to write and so I did.  It is just me fairly raw, not at all polished, sharing with God. I hope it helps someone out there.

 

I am just not sure where to start but I know that I need to be writing so here goes. I have been wondering about my mother in laws death and just why she died in the way the she did. It was so weird. She fought to the end. Screaming and kicking and biting, mocking and glaring, just mean and weird. I don't know if it was the melanoma reaching her brain, the Alzheimers, or the medications that we were giving her to try to relieve the pain and delirium she was having. It was awful. If I hadn't really believed that she was a christian, there are times that I almost thought that she was possessed!

Father, this seems useless, just writing for the sake of writing. Lord, only You truly know why she died in the way that she did and You just may not think I need to know. Maybe I don't. It is another one of those things that certainly didn't happen the way I wanted or expected. Lord, I just wanted her to die peacefully in her sleep. I prayed for You to take her and maybe that is just what You had to do. Maybe she just didn't want to go, though she talked about heaven with me when I would bring it up and seemed to be excited at the thought of seeing You face to face and running around heaven with her sister, Joyce. Lord, I never dreamed or thought or imagined that her dying would be so strange. Father, I thank You for giving us the grace to deal with it all. Thank You for enabling Cary to handle it. Thank You for what You taught us though this journey. Help me to remember and write it all down.

Father I don't know if I should detail everything or just try to write what I learned and maybe the circumstances in which I learned it. Lord, I have wrestled with why You allowed them to continue living when it seemed that there was nothing they could do to really give You praise. It just seemed that You were allowing them to suffer. Did they bring glory to You? They were (are in Chuck's case) definitely teaching tools in Your hands. They have been a big picture to me of how stubbornly and foolishly we seek to do what we want and what we think is best for ourselves. How faithfully You long and wait to help us. How foolish we are to think that we know better than You what our lives should look like. O God, that we would look like Jesus. O Jesus, please, teach us how to live. You are gentle and humble, Your yoke is easy and burden light. Help us to submit and join ourselves to You and find rest for our souls. I think that that was one of the things that was so painful for me to watch in Doris... the fear and restlessness. She was so like me, wanting to do it right but unsure that she knew what that was or how to do it. Father I so long to be perfect more so because I don't want to be embarrassed, I want to be praised. O God that I would long more that You gain praise.

When we moved here, we knew that one of the major reasons was that we would be around to take care of Doris and Chuck when it came time that they would allow or that we just had to do it. Thankfully, dear Lord, You allowed us to get through the struggle of moving and the culture shock of moving from the Bible Belt before we had to be more heavily involved in their strange world.

I remember the night that Doris threatened to bash my brains out if I didn't let her out of that chair. How offended and mad I was at first. I stepped back and said “OK” and I thought something like: “Go ahead, see how far you get. I'll let you fall.” Of course, I couldn't let her fall and I caught her before she did. Lord, how often we treat You in the same way. Demanding to have our own way even though we can't even do what we think we want and it will cause us harm to try. We would have been the ones putting the crown of thorns on your head, or yelling with the throngs, or driving the nails or … to render You unable to stop us from having control. Often we try to “bash Your brains out” to have control. As always, sins root is that we want to be god, we want to be in charge. How foolish! Lord, I just don't know how You take it. You are so amazingly patient. O Father, draw us ever closer to You. Help us to know You and share You.